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La raison d'etre

Here I am. The everlasting butterfly. The travel junkie to inner and outer worlds. Destined to move, forced to rest, drawn between fire and...

Monday, February 26, 2018


Long ago since I found the time to open my files of photography. It feels a bit like traveling back in time. But most of the "Wanderers" - vagabonds, artists of life, homeless musicians and hungry mouths - followed me in my heart and my mind till today. Maybe because they remind me of how quickly life can turn into a mess. How one step off the beaten track can make you stumble for life. And how you can find music - and dignity - in the most unlikely places. But do you find a home? Or do you carry it around, hidden inside? 

Me, a vagabond myself of some sort, never felt at home anywhere. Wherever I was in this world, I enjoyed it as much as I could, but it always felt like a temporary place. Even for years. When I was 24, a psychic reader in one of these downstairs shops in Greenwich Village told me that "there will be lots of running around" in my life. No kidding - I have one of my oldest friends as a witness in case I should ever forget or doubt. So far, so true. But the palm reader also predicted that one fine day I would stop running around and find a home. Where, with whom and when? This is the big secret of my life.

So here they come, my fellow vagabonds:

More photography at www.auge-und-feder.de


Tuesday, February 13, 2018


Another one of these heavy-weight words, laden with multiple meanings. A giant. An angel. A monster. An impossibility for some. An absolute necessity for others. TRUST.

Some citations:

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

Self-trust is the first secret of success.

Trust is earned when action meets words.

Trusting is my decision, proving me right is your choice.

I just had another one of these long, philosophic calls with a very good friend. And we both wrapped it up with this word, knowing exactly what we meant. Finding an expression for this intuitive understanding is rather complicated. So let's start with the citations above:

The first compares love with trust. One is supposedly greater than the other. That's a bold statement. How can one exist without the other, I ask myself. Obviously, it's a matter of how you define "love". For me, a love that doesn't equate trust is not worth a dime. And what exactly do you trust in? That the other person will always tell you the truth and nothing but? That he or she will not hurt you deliberately? That you will never be left alone? That your freedom to be who you really are is never compromised? Or is your trust more of the kind that has confidence in the course of life and in the assumption that everything happens for a reason, even the "bad" stuff?

Now we are one step closer to citation number 2: self-trust. Do you trust your self to guide you through thick and thin? And if so, who is your self among all this chitter-chatter inside of you? Can you seperate the voice of the ego from the one of the heart? Or is it rather reason that you fully trust in? Can you really tell the difference? How many voices do you have? And can you hear one that guides you clearly through all this noise? Even if you do, what if it tells you something different each and every day? How can this result in success?

Which leads us directly to the third citation: it is all about "earning". Which means that trust isn't there in the first place. You have to build and deserve it, obviously. But can you really build something if you don't give - at least a bit of it - in advance? Someone has to start with it, otherwise there's nothing to be built upon. If nobody has a brick, how can you build a house? Unless you are an alchemist who can produce gold out of hay. Or a magician.

So if you advance trust, that's indeed a decision, an attitude you choose to take. I fully agree with this one. But obviously, it is a revocable choice, if you follow the fourth citation. If you don't prove that the decision was right, it will be altered. Which makes trust - again - conditional. And in this case, it's not a gift, but a mere exchange of services. Such a complicated thing, this trust...

Conclusion: Maybe it's better NOT to try to find words for something that you FEEL. There has to be room for some magic in this life. Like love. Can't be explained either. But it still happens. 

P.S. After writing the above, I found another quote:
"Why should someone put his trust in you if you don't trust your own heart? As long as you try to meet other's expectations, you betray yourself. And everyone can feel this."

Saturday, January 20, 2018


So much has been written about freedom that it's hard to come up with a new contribution to this state of being. And here it already starts: Is it a feeling, an attitude, a state of mind, an illusion, a natural birthright, a constitutional rule, an energy, a form of careless unattachment, a fleeting moment, a lofty goal that can only be achieved temporarily, before we are bound again by the laws of attraction, humanity and incarnation? And is it a deeply subjective or rather an absolute thing, this so-called freedom?

"Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose"

"To be free, to feel free - the first one is a myth"

"If you love someone, set them free"

Just to cite a few random sources.  

I feel very free today. And this is always the case when I have freed myself from patterns that no longer serve me, from thoughts that unnecessarily narrow my choices, from impulses, people and things that no longer contribute positively to my life. I let them go. But this is the only illusion: at the core, it has nothing to do with others or anything external. It's simply the release of patterns that I used to interact with certain people, situations and circumstances. In essence, I let go of a part of myself that no longer belongs to me, a relict that I transformed into something better.

For many years, I struggled with this understanding and thought that I have to rip my heart out in an almost brutal effort to let go. Bad way of thinking. I only built walls as high as K2 and as fiercely guarded as the Pentagon. Just to not get hurt again. The only thing I really achieved with this form of freedom was a wonderful prison. The irony is that I hurt myself. 

So what is freedom and letting go really all about? I leave it to anybody out there to come up with his or her own sweet definition. But for me, it's the courage to free myself from behaviours based on fear that create nothing else but the exact thing that I wanted to avoid. It's as simply as that.

And, by the way: the people and qualities that belong to you will come back once you let them go. This is the beauty of freedom. So why not give everybody wings to fly and his or her own reasons to stay. Maybe freedom is the freedom of choice and creation. Anytime, any place, and until the final breath takes us apart.

Sunday, January 7, 2018


Silence. Vast emptiness. Eternity in all dimensions. Everything and nothing. Deep darkness and shining light. And countless grey zones in-between. Possibilities lived and let go. Options chosen and yet to come into existence. Abundant creative force. Holographic multiverse, to be awakened by me and me alone.

In moments of silence, I am. To the fullest. As much as I have created myself, by words, actions and thoughts. I absorb the energy. I smell the wild air. I feel the wind caressing my skin. I hear all the voices, the endless chatter of beings, of my past, present and future. And I pick out the one that I choose to be now. In this very moment. In an act of art, passion and creativity, in its purest and vastest form. As if I was an entire world for myself - like everyone is - and the only sorceress who is up to doing this magic.

I read that two beings can only truly unite if each one stands for an entire universe (Emerson). And that a transcended and healthy union requires each part to take full responsibility of his own creation, in darkness and light. Only then we can live as free souls, share and appreciate, be one and two at the same time. This is my vision, always was, and I am as close to creating it as I have ever been. But I am fully aware that life will put me to the test. Repeatedly.

So if my dark angel spreads his wings and does his job of warning me, fiercely protecting my inner portal to bliss, I will look at him and smile. I will embrace this mightly, beloved creature and see him melting in my arms. It's his way of making me grow, conquering my fears and igniting my light. "A tough love that spanks", I read somewhere else, and it's nothing but true. He is a part of me and always will be, but if I fully accept this wisdom, I need no other scapegoat to blame any more. I am complete. I am. Like the universe, in which everything co-exists, light and dark, energy and matter, form and un-form, in an endless creation called life, offered to us as a gift and duty at the same time.

Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.


Friday, December 29, 2017


It seems as if half an eternity ago, life has taught me a powerful lesson: that everything exists, simultaneously, in abundance, here and now, and that it is just a word of gratitude away from my grasp, from coming to life, whether to stay or to leave, after its purpose has been served. 

And here I am, at the end of an eventful year, bringing this lesson to fruition, packed with new friends, experiences, callings, ideas, inspirations, loves and farewells. Transformed. Awed. Freed from ancient baggage weighing me down. Some of my friends say that I have become wise. But I know that the more you think you know, the less you really do. I am only beginning to comprehend how little I know about life - and about love, too. That's the beauty of it: being the eternal student, the neverending traveler, embracing the unknown.

So I express my gratitude for all there isn't now, for all there is, and for all there is yet to come. For things and people who will enrich, disrupt and change my life and shake it to the bone, to make the butterfly spread its wings, fly higher and land safely. Thank you for a garden so full of colors that it takes my breath away, for a love so profound, trusting and free that it is like the wind beneath my wings, for an eye so keen and transcending that it sees the beauty in everything, even in the darkest places.  

Thank you.  

Saturday, December 23, 2017

Wabi Sabi

A perfectly imperfect song - best captured on this awesome MTV Placebo unplugged album that currently runs back and forth on my car stereo, in this season of wild, chaotic driving across Germany for a plethora of beautiful, impermanent Xmas celebrations, dinners and parties. But this video from Placebo Peru fans isn't bad either. 

Happy holidays, everyone!


Wabi Sabi - perfection is in the imperfection. Accept the transcience.

Friday, December 8, 2017

Reality bites

24 hours ago, I had this enlightening, philosophic discussion about pragmatic realism (aka working with what's there) and mission drive (aka making the world a better place). After a storm of arguments as thick as Slovenian snow (and as passionate as last night's soccer game between Maribor and Sevilla), I asked myself what's the right balance between the two.

Without a sense of reality, its limits to be accepted and opportunities to be seized, you end up being a delusional dreamer. But without a vision, a delightful carot dangling in front of your nose, you travel through life like a dull (and often cynical) bore. Do we need to pursue something so we are able to deeply enjoy life? Or is the idea of traveling with a heavy mission in your backpack an obstacle in itself? Is it better to float through life as easily as if it was a river full of goodies and baddies that the existence will throw at us anyways, regardless of what we do or don't? Or should we give it direction, make bigger strokes, risk cramps and swallow water? This reminds me of the pivotal scene in one of my favorite SciFi movies: Gattaca.

The origin of this debate was making the world a better place, of course. Beware your motives, I thought. There is an equal amount of ego in positive impact-natics as it is in any other (make-money-or-die kind of) profession. Been there, done that. And the question of realism or vision is not restricted to these realms. It seeps through your veins like honey or poison. Make your choice, I thought, it's totally up to you.

Mine is clear - always was. I take the space in-between, scaring and sacred, frightening and fulfulling, foolish and sane, the middle ground, the intersection, the void between what's there and what could be, the universe where artists thrive, create and destroy. Fail and succeed. Fall and get up again. Weep and smile. Stand still and move. In other words: live  - and most of all: love what you are and do!

Another inspiration to this last and most important word of all to me: https://qz.com/884448/every-successful-relationship-is-successful-for-the-same-exact-reasons/